Alright, so we saw the surgeon and it looks like I will NOT be having surgery. Most would think this is great news, well, I'm heart broken. The doctor looked at me with sad eyes and said "there's nothing I can do for you here, what you have is real and painful and I am so sorry. Please don't do anything drastic, please do not get your hopes up for the GI."
I'm devastated. This pain is too much to bare... It has taken my life from me. I'm back on home hospital and I'm missing out on my senior year. I'm missing out on my friends. I'm missing out on making memories. I'm sorry I didn't post the past few days, but I was honestly so crushed by the news I didn't know how to form the words until now.
The surgeon gave me an Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) packet and said goodbye. I. B. S. Are you freaking kidding me. I'm angry and frustrated, not necessarily at him, but at life for doing this to me. It's most likely gastroparesis or the lack of muscle function in the stomach now... Which there's no cure for and treatments don't always work. The pain will most likely effect me for months, maybe even years. I could have to go on tube feedings or do other treatments that almost seem worse than the pain... It just seems unfair. And it is. All of it is. I was 14 when I first showed symptoms. I went 4 years undiagnosed with EDS, almost 5 before I got POTS and Dysautonomia, and now I'm 5 months into this new struggle, undiagnosed, and quite frankly, helpless. I'm 18. I'm just a kid... This isn't how my life should be.
I realize this is sounding like a pity party, and I guess it kind of is. And before you jump to judge me about how I'm so negative and I'm looking at it the wrong way, imagine being in my place. Having your life, your friends, your decisions, your DREAMS snatched away by the hands of illness. I'm pissed. I'm sad. I'm bitter. I'll be okay.
Sometimes being positive is harder. It takes so much strength and energy. Strength and energy that I do not have right now and I honestly don't care. It's my disease I can cry if I want to.
yours truly,
broken but beautiful
No comments:
Post a Comment