so for those of you who follow me on twitter you know that I make a habit of not getting myself down when I have medical problems. I try my best to keep a level head and keep my spirits high. I'm so sorry guys but to tell the truth, the past 3 days have been SO hard... I've cried countless times because I'm just sick of being in pain. It's not fair you know? Every waking hour I hurt. Pain is a constant in my life. And it just gets to the point where you get sick and tired of being sick and tired and you just want to give up. But that's not an option. We don't get to choose to be strong or weak. Someone told me the other day that I'm an "inspiration" and that because of me they're stronger and can deal with what life throws at them. I'm not an inspiration, guys. I'm a human being in pain. If I had a choice, I wouldn't do it. I would never get out of bed or do anything. But with or without me life is going to move forward. So I get up. I show up. And I don't give up.
That SO doesn't mean I don't want to, though. I think about quitting and just getting back in bed 100 times a day. So many people have no idea what it's like to be in pain 24/7 365. They're lucky. In many ways I'm lucky too. After all I'm not dying. I'm just disabled. Painfully so. And the consistent pain honestly just makes me depressed. There's nothing to be done about it. Nothing helps. Sometimes you really just have to mourn over the life you could have known. One that's pain free and full of adventure. One where the friends you grew up with didn't leave you because you got sick and they didn't understand. One where your joints don't snap and pop when it's about to rain or you see friends more than doctors. Sometimes you just have to be sad. And that's okay.
